The role of a step parent.

Dads, Step dads, moms and step moms… what a challenge each of us has. Playing the role of a dad and step dad or mom and step mom at the same time is a challenge. Why, because both roles are similar but they are also very different. As a mothers and fathers, we have the natural God instinct to mentor, encourage, love and support our own children. This should be a simple concept without any complications. The moms and dads get it and the children get it when as parents were are properly acting as the mothers and fathers that we should be.

However, when this same mom or dad acts out the role that they have as a step parent, then things change a bit. How so, you might ask? The mom or dad can’t act like the natural parent of the step child because they aren’t the natural parent of that child. That might seem too obvious but it isn’t always easy to apply this. The reason that it isn’t always obvious is because we as step parents desire to treat them as they were our own because we chose to love, nurture and lead them when we chose to marry their parent. In that sense, we do see ourselves as their “parent” and we might end up even acting as if we were their parent. This dynamic can set us up for failure in our relationships with our step children, husbands and wives. Therefore it is important for us to clearly distinguish for ourselves and our step children what role we have in their lives.

We have to go into the relationship with our step children with the idea that we are going to act as their fathers and mothers in that you will treat them the same way that you would treat your own children. Make it very clear to your step children that you are not trying to replace their birth parent. This is the simplest and most honest statement that you can make to them. Doing this takes the pressure off of you as a step parent to be something that you truly aren’t. This will also take the pressure off of your step children to treat you as their parent when in fact that you aren’t their parent! What a relief for them. By having two clear distinct roles, children are able to have a place or category for you. They have their own birth parent and they have you as their step parent. For a child to act as if they have two moms and/or two dads would be difficult, confusing and frustrating for them.

Keep it simple, clarify your role as step parent but clarify that you intend to love and support them as if they were your own child!

Happy parenting and step parenting.

The Three Commitments

Living in a blended family is one of the most challenging familial environments that a person could possibly live in. The good news is that living in and surviving in a blended family can work. In fact it can be a very wonderful experience for everyone involved. There are three critical ideals that must be adapted if a person is going to have a thriving blended family. Without a commitment and resolve to hold fast to these concepts, then the chance for the survival of the blended family is marginal.

The first commitment is that the husband should be present and committed to the success of the blended family (BF) and that he should accept the full responsibility for the success of the new family. This family will need his leadership, time, understanding, patience, flexibility (a significant portion of this), diplomacy, determination, emotional and spiritual commitment at what will seem to be a full time 24 x 7 basis. Men, are you up for it? Weigh the costs…and the rewards of such a commitment.

The second commitment is that the husband and the wife of the blended family (BF) be committed to one another first. This sounds very simple and it should be, but in reality it is more difficult than one might imagine at first glance. However, the husband and wife must see to it that their relationship is the one that is nurtured, supported, paid attention to and invested in above every other relationship in the family. This will require significant effort since there will be a natural tendency for a parent to protect their own children before protecting the other spouse. Men and women can you do it?

The third principal is that the family should realize that even though the goal is to have the BF look and feel as much like a traditional family as possible, the truth of the matter is that there will be two separate families living under one roof. This is important to face and understand. It is simple for the husband and wife to come together as one and they should but the two families will also still need to have their own identities separately as well as jointly.

The challenges are definitely there. The rewards are also there to make all the challenges seem worthwhile. Many families are blending and doing so successfully. It will take a commitment to study, understand and execute the three principles discussed.